Nachos at Gilly’s, Grand Rapids

I shouldn’t generalize, but perhaps restaurants with swordfish on poles illuminated by pink lights aren’t the best places to eat nachos.

Gilly's, Grand Rapids

Gilly's, Grand Rapids

 I gained this insight while eating at Gilly’s inside The B.O.B. in Grand Rapids. The nachos started off on the right foot. I was suitably impressed with the portions, and the nachos looked very good. The serving sizes of the guacamole and salsa was smaller than I would have liked and I was sure I was going to run out. I was quite wrong about both my assessments.

Nachos at Gilly's

Nachos at Gilly's

The nachos were topped with “oaxaca cheese”, “chihuahua cheese”, and “chili braised amish chicken” because you can’t say “cheese” and “chicken”. And to be even trendier, everything was in lowercase. Lowercase is “kewl”.

 I’ll start positive. The chips were good, as was the guacamole. And those chips that just had cheese and no meat whatsoever were quite good.

 Now my review takes a nasty turn, so chefs from Gilly’s, please don’t go any further. I’m just trying to be nice to you, because the next two paragraphs won’t be.

The chicken was some of the worst I’ve ever tasted. But it wasn’t bad – it was just almost tasteless, like cardboard, without tasting like cardboard. I’m not sure what kind of arcane process they used to drain all taste out of those poor birds, but it was quite impressively bad. The chili sauce wasn’t any better – it was like watery spaghetti sauce – and it caused any chips unfortunate enough to be touched by this sauce to almost liquify. Not pretty to look, and certainly not to taste. The nachos should have been served with a straw, and it was all I could do to eat one third of them before deciding my stomach didn’t deserve that kind of punishment.

In Gilly’s defense, they are a seafood restaurant, so nachos probably aren’t their thing. In my defense, I assume that if something is on the menu, it won’t suck. So wrack it up to a misunderstanding on my part. That rather harsh criticism said, I would certainly go back to Gilly’s and try their fish entrees, which looked quite good. And the next time I’m in Grand Rapids and in the mood for nachos, I’ll go upstairs to Bobarino’s.

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